I did something quite out of character this week. I went to a multi-dimensional healer. “What the hell is that?” I hear you ask. Well, not surprisingly, I’m still not entirely sure. It all started at my friend’s jewellery party last week. You know the girl’s night out? I met a lady there who was really nice. Let’s just call her Freaky Crystal Lady with Special Powers. Anyway, we chat for a bit and she asks me what I do. I tell her I’m a housewife. I’m fairly sure she was impressed. When I asked her what she did, she explained she was a multi-dimensional healer. I hate it when people just have to get one up on me, like they’re soooo special. So I’m curious enough to ask her a few questions, and she gave me a brief run-down of what she does. I then found myself asking for her business card.
Anyway, as my week continued to plummet downhill I decided to pay her a visit. I figured if nothing else I’d get an hour of peace and it would give me something to write about. So I turn up to her rooms which are in the back of a hair salon and am made to sit in a little waiting room with running water which is supposed to be soothing but only succeeds in making me run to the toilet. Whilst there I wonder what the hell I’m doing here and what exactly I think might need healing anyway. But I don’t want to be a wuss (well, that and there’s a $25 cancellation fee) so I prepare myself for the worst.
Freaky Crystal Lady with Special Powers comes and collects me and I silently say goodbye to my family and friends in the assumption that I am being taken into some abyss never to return. Her room is nice. Kind of like a little chiropractors office but with dim lighting, candles and more running water. She put on nice music that is sold by dreadlocked men and women in hippy organic music/food stores and made me take my shoes off and lay on the massage-like table. She then proceeded to explain what she was going to do and it took all my will power not to laugh out loud. This woman who seems so normal was going to wave crystals above me, then touch me and open up my Chakras. I’m not entirely sure what a Chakra is apart from a bad 80’s singer, but in any case it turns out many of mine were closed.
From memory if the crystal doesn’t move, then that particular chakra is closed, if it swings from side to side it’s half-closed and if it swings around in circles then it’s open. Come on, stay with me here. I had to go through this so you’ve got to too. Anyway, one of mine was swinging around wildly which apparently means it’s really, really open. She asked me if I was very sexual. Are you fucking kidding? “Um, no.” I reply. Well, then it is your creativity which is going wild. Fair enough then.
So, I’m told to just relax, close my eyes and think of nothing. Sure, cause it’s soooo easy to think of nothing. And we started. Now, as you may have guessed I’m slightly sceptical about, well, everything, but I decided to just lay there and do as she asked. During the course of the hour some very odd things happened. Firstly, she chanted in some weird language. I’m not sure who she was talking to but when no one responded she gave up and went silent. Not long after that my breath became irregular. Not enough to think there was something wrong, but I definitely felt my breath catching for no real reason and I also experienced a strange sensation in my legs. I suspect they were just going numb from laying in the same spot for too long, but you never know.
After the hour was up I was told to take off my mask and open my eyes. Well, I just couldn’t. I tried, I really did, but my eyes just would not open. This was a very odd situation. She told me to just lay there until I was ready, which I did, and then all was well. We then had a chat and discussed some very interesting things, which will mean nothing to anyone apart from me. Either she’d somehow managed to do some research on me or she may just be a Freaky Crystal Lady with Special Powers. I’m curious enough to find out so I’m going to go back and see her again. I’m not sure if anything is healed but she’s a lovely lady and I get to have a nice rest for an hour. I just might ask her to turn off the water next time.