Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Dangers of Stationery

I just hideously dismembered my finger on a stapler.  Staplers are ridiculous contraptions which never EVER work properly. Oh yeah, they're your best friend while you're clicking away at your papers, but then they turn evil when they run out of staples.  It's just like when a crocodile runs out of food and you try to give it some more (which I obviously do regularly).  It'll take your bloody arm off before you even get a chance to throw a chunk of meat at it.  Unless of course you're the Irwins, in which case you're immune to both crocodile and stapler attacks.  I refuse to believe that anyone has ever put staples into their stapler without somehow getting stapled.  Whoever designed the stapler is a sadist and should be fed to the crocodiles themselves.  And it's a stupid name - stapler.  Dumb.

Stationery can be dangerous. There are just so many things that can go wrong I can't believe it doesn't come with a warning.

Sticky tape is fraught with danger.  Have you ever stuck lengths of tape on your arm (or other body part) to use at later date?  OK, perhaps it's just me.  But I tell you, taking that sticky tape off hurts.  A lot!  And don't even get me started on double-sided tape.  That's just cruel. 

Binders are horrific.  Have you ever got your finger pinched by one of those lever arch thingys?  Yeah, well that bloody hurts too.  But no one tells you about that, do they?  Oh no, it's just a harmless folder to store papers in.

And how many times have you been left thinking you were morbidly obese because your calculator couldn't work out your BMI correctly?  See, it's not just physical pain these contraptions inflict on us, it's emotional as well!

Have you ever accidentally hit yourself on the head with a ruler?  Of course you have.  It hurts!  And then there's the old 'draw coming too far out of the filing cabinet' trick.  Have you ever been crushed by a filing cabinet draw?  It hurts too!

And don't tell me they don't make toner cartridges to deliberately self destruct as soon as you try to change them.  Toner goes everywhere and if the dust is bad enough you might even get a touch of asthma.

Don't ever buy an office chair with armrests. Notice how they design them so that when you move yourself into the table your hands get stuck between the table and the armrest?  That's no accident.

So, next time you get what you think is a simple paper cut, think again.  That paper has more than likely been recruited into the evil cult of the stapler, and if they get hold of the hole punch, you can kiss your hand goodbye.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The worst thing in the world

Well, it appears I've dodged the stomach bug, which of course is a great relief but also mildly disappointing since I scoffed that whole packet of chips yesterday. 

In my opinion there is no worse thing in the world than a stomach bug.  Yes, I know there is poverty, disease, famine and Justin Beiber, but I truly believe cleaning up the aftermath of a stomach bug makes all of these issues pale in comparison.  I have such an issue with it that I simply can't do it.  Poor Matt is generally left to clean the mess and I'm left to stand at a distance relaying my sympathy. 

If you do decide to partake in the stomach bug, I highly recommend the 5 star hotel room.  We had the misfortune of being on holidays in New Zealand when Emily came down with a stomach bug.  (I'm not entirely convinced the misfortune was the stomach bug.  It was possibly just being in New Zealand).  We were staying at the Holiday Inn.  It was about midnight when Emily decided to purge her guts up all over the bed sheets.  We simply wrapped up the sheets, rang housekeeping who came and collected them and gave us nice new sheets.  That is the way stomach bugs should be handled.

Amazingly Emily managed to hold on for our 4 hour train journey the next day, only to vomit in the foyer of our next hotel.  Perfect timing yet again.  I was so proud. 

Unfortunately this time it was just Matt and I with no housekeeping staff to assist.  He did a stirling job cleaning up as usual while I updated my status on Facebook. Of course I'm then the one stuck at home with a sick child, but thankfully there was only one more incident and she at least managed to get to the bathroom on time. I like to think she really makes the effort for me since she knows my aversion to vomit.  She's nice like that.

Thankfully Emily seems to have recovered enough to go to school tomorrow and I will make the effort to start my routine yet again.  I still don't know what that routine will involve but it will more than likely start with a trip to the gym to get rid of those bloody chips.